Another fresh New Year is here……
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear
To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest…
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!
by William Arthur Ward
Here is the third and final poem dealing with the death of my father.
As you will see, I had moved into a much different place about my father.
I’ve fought so long
So hard to deny
With angry, righteous cries
Your place at my table.
Your pain walled away
But alive and leaking
Through so many cracks
To form the dark parts of me.
All you were, I cannot be.
I’m so much more aware, alive
I do so much more than survive
Easy it would be
To reject all you are.
I could not imagine you
Hurting and alone;
A child holding off the terror.
Carrying your father’s wound.
As I carry yours
When I look closely
At the parts unseen
Your child peeks back.
While your wound is not mine
I can accept your humanness
And your presence that helped
Shape the man I’ve become.
Come, break your fast
At my table.
I have more to learn
More tears to cry.
You are welcome,
My father.
I pray I will be welcome
At my son’s table some day.
Here is the second poem dealing with the death
of my father where I examine the first time I touched his face.
Many years have passed since the touch
First and last, hello goodbye.
My father lay finally resting
Still unable to feel.
How could this being so scary and large
Really be so small and withered
As if much more left
Than just spirit.
Touch is so strange and confusing
The first time I dared
The intimacy I so craved
So many feelings fill the moment.
Afraid of death’s finality
Afraid he will wake…
Sad in the first peaceful silence
For the dream
That’s passed too.
Confused, anxious about what I should
Be doing… and feeling…
His teaching still alive
Even when his flesh be still
No meaning here to be found
Just the stunned pit
Into which this bedroom
Seems to have fallen.
Withdrawing my hand from him
My first touch of my father’s face
And of death
I am adrift.
Where do I steer
Now that the shore to which I’ve clung
However desolate and sere
Has sunk into oblivion?
It took me several years to fully realize and grieve the death of my father. During those years,
I wrote three poems about the process. This is the first one. Climbing the Stairs (Father #1)
“He’s up there, go see him”
Mom says from the couch
With a face that surprises me
With its strength and resolve.
I expected histrionics
An easy climb
Back onto her cross
A public display of her loss.
But quiet calm greets me instead.
This adds to my confusion
And fear
My father’s dead?
My father’s dead.
Go up and see him?
I don’t know what to do
Or feel, or say…
So I climb the stairs
Getting younger with each step
I’ve always been afraid to enter
The master bedroom
The lair where gods
And bears slept
Where punishment is meted
And secrets are kept.
Facing my father has always carried fear.
You can do better
You must be the best
Never lose, never quit
You’re nothing if you don’t pass the rest
Life is a war to be won
You’re a soldier, not a son
“Fill each minute with sixty seconds of distance run”
I am a good soldier
Wanna-be-son
At the top of the stairs
Facing the room
I cannot go forward
I cannot run.
Is this feeling, this light, real?
Do I chase ghosts?
Or the unfulfillable wants of a still hurting child?
Shamans aplenty promise respite and even transcendence
And still, after holding the gift myself,
I fear to hope,
And even push away, sometimes, the King’s touch
For fear the wound will only be torn open wider
With disappointment and betrayal.
I smile now in my recent knowing
That from my center,
The core of me uncovered from
The Earthy work of growth,
I am unbroken
And much bigger than my father’s box.
Really, there’s no going back
Now that so much Light and Wholeness
Have creeped, seeped, leaped
Into my soul
Revealing the demons to be children
That need my love.
Growth necessarily means change and choice; even passive choice.
An important step in relationship building is becoming attuned to the ways our partner wishes to be loved and how we wish to be loved.
How can I court the woman I love?
How do I see her soul
So that my gifts touch
The part of her Earth that needs my tending?
Do I decode all the ways she tells me her needs
Through the calculus of my wound
So that my gifts are best received by me?
Being honest, do I withhold the golden egg
To avoid the oft anticipated
Future wounding of loss…
Of letting her know how much I fear
That in the giving of the egg,
I somehow give too much of myself away
And there’s too little there already?
Coming to court the woman I love
Means I am willing to risk that there might be abundance.
With this woman I have walked so many joys and sorrows
My heart surely knows her soul
And she mine.
Can I settle into her meadow and be a loving gardener?
“The tree is one of humankind’s most powerful symbols. It is the embodiment of life in all its realms: the point of union between heaven, earth, and water.” – Rev. Lisa Ward
In a benediction, Reverend Lisa Ward shared spiritual wisdom about trees saying,
“The presence of trees articulates that when one is well-grounded, centered in one’s roots, healthy growth and flexibility in change comes from the generosity of spirit, the giving of oneself. The willow giving over to wind, fruit, and nut trees giving of their produce, leaves giving over to winter, and decay for future growth. The way we can sustain ourselves is by giving of ourselves when we are centered. The secret to abundance, the key to stop seeking more and more is to focus on what we have to give. What Alice Walker calls the circular energy of generosity. By giving we stimulate regeneration of life and spirit and it stimulates our own growth, our own expanse. Trees tell us this. Just as each tree has its own particular gift to offer, so do each of us.”
One of the things I love most about living in the Sacramento area is the abundance of redwood trees. My current home has 4 majestic redwood trees just behind my property line that I look at every day, and I naturally feel myself breathe a little deeper, and experience a moment of grounding and gratitude every time I look out at them. The previous home I lived in (Palm Springs, CA) faced the San Jacinto mountains, and my condo was flanked with palm trees. I often sat in my backyard, looking up at the palm trees as they rustled in the winds and felt a calm, soothing sensation take over as I focused up at the palm fronds swaying. Thinking back many years, I started noticing that while taking my dog on a walk, I found myself leaning my back up against a tree and “connecting” with it. I couldn’t explain why I was engaging in this behavior, I only knew that I was drawn to do it.
I think I have always loved trees. They are protective, grounding, and giving. They give their fruit for us to eat. They provide us with wood to use and even to claim as a status symbol (Mahogany table anyone?). Trees give us paper to write on and provide shade in an otherwise sun-drenched yard, and let’s not forget those gorgeous New England trees that give us beautiful fall foliage that people travel from miles around to enjoy. What am I forgetting? Oh ya, They help clear our air! Trees are magical, sacred, majestic, and giving. So what can we learn from them?
Years ago I came across an analogy that has stuck with me for probably twenty years that I often use with clients about the benefits of being flexible in life.
The mighty oak tree, strong and proud. The strength of its solid branches and the grip of its roots are one of nature’s enduring displays of fortitude, stability, and power. Yet, wherever oak trees are after a decent storm one can almost always drive around and see oak tree branches snapped off, broken by the force of the
Beautiful, lush bamboo also rooted well into the earth (if you’ve ever tried to remove any you know what I mean) is also an incredibly durable, strong wood but it has a key difference from that of the oak, it is flexible. When the great storm comes, it bends with torrential winds, mimicking water as it surges down a river canyon and around the rocks. When the unyielding oak is challenged, it often breaks. When the softer bamboo is challenged, it bends and accepts the force of the wind, working with it, not against it and ultimately not breaking.
Being sturdy is a good quality, it is often comforting to those around us, but there are probably more times in our lives when we would benefit from being flexible and soft, working with life, not against it. I am reminded of a reading from the works in “The Big Book” of AA that says “…acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me and can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”. The bamboo accepts that life is rough at times and moves with it, the oak resists and breaks.
How can we apply this to everyday life? Well, it is a rather unprecedented time in our country as we navigate handling Covid-19 and all the countless ways it has impacted our lives. Many of us are working from home now and sometimes (or most of the time) cramped and jockeying for a little extra space, or less noise so we can be heard on our Zoom conference while juggling our kids’ education plans, spouse, or whatever the case may be. Or maybe it’s something like having lost our job. No matter how difficult the situation, there is a lesson in the flexibility of the bamboo. You need to be strong, yes. Bamboo is strong, but it is not rigid. Where can you be more flexible in your life? Where can you be a little softer? Maybe it’s even about being softer on yourself. Stress levels are incredibly high right now and being flexible with your thoughts is more beneficial now than ever before as we traverse these unfamiliar waters of shelter-in-place life. Being rigid gets us nowhere except eventually broken.
Jason Markel is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist with nearly 20-years’ experience in social services and the counseling field. Currently, he works at Authentic Counseling Associates in Gold River, CA, and Heartstrings Counseling in Loomis, CA. Jason brings a wide array of professional experience to his work, including 4-years’ service in the U.S.A.F at The Pentagon. Ever the humanistic man, Jason embraces a wide variety of therapeutic approaches, but most vitally he strives for a deep, authentic connection with his clients. In his free time, he and his husband enjoy quality time with their 6 god-kids and their goofy, lovable young dog.
References:
Ward, L. (2000) Spirituality of Trees. https://www.uufhc.net/sermons/s001105.html
W., Bill. (1976). Alcoholics Anonymous : the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. New York :Alcoholics Anonymous World Services,
Post originally at https://sacwellness.com
It is hard to relax. Even now with everyone at home you find projects around the house this needs to be done, that needs to be done, the kids are schooling from home, we are working from home. Take a moment to truly relax and see what it can do for you. Here is a little exercise to help you get in that truly relaxed state.
Adapted from http://www.relaxationresponse.org/
The Relaxation Response is a state where you are physically relaxed and mentally alert. You can learn to achieve this state through the practice of the relaxation exercise described here.
You should practice the simple exercise described below to lower your stress levels. It is even better to incorporate this simple practice in your daily routine and practice it once or twice a day three to four days a week.
Continue for 10 to 20 minutes. You may open your eyes to check the time, but do not use an alarm. When you finish, sit quietly for several minutes, at first with your eyes closed and later with your eyes opened. Do not stand up for a few minutes.
Do not worry about whether you are successful in achieving a deep level of relaxation. Maintain a passive attitude and permit relaxation to occur at its own pace. With practice, the response should come with little effort. Practice the technique once or twice daily, but not within two hours after any meal, since the digestive processes seem to interfere with the elicitation of the Relaxation Response.
!!!FREE!!!
ON-LINE SUPPORT GROUPS DURING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC
California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency on March 4, 2020, after the first person died of coronavirus or COVID-19. Schools and businesses closed. People are staying at home. People are not able to work at their jobs. Grocery shelves are empty. This is a time of extraordinary stress. People are feeling isolated, lonely, depressed, worried, anxious, fearful, angry, and panicked.
If any of this has been a problem for you, you may benefit from FREE on-line support groups being led by experienced psychologists and counselors at Authentic Counseling Associates of Gold River, California.
Online sessions are conducted through ZOOM technology. Each session lasts for 60 minutes and is led by a trained psychologist or counselor. Dates and times are posted below.
Online support group sessions are a free service to the public during the coronavirus crisis. Online support group sessions are NOT psychotherapy and should not be considered psychotherapy. Users agree to hold harmless Authentic Counseling Associates and its on-line support group facilitators.
Fostering loving-kindness for oneself and others has many benefits. Some of these benefits include greater relaxation, enhanced peacefulness, increased acceptance of others, reduced stress, and increased tolerance to frustration. This meditation offers you another opportunity to have a say in your mood and in your interactions with others. I recommend repeating the meditation to yourself at any point when you are wanting more loving kindness in your life. Some people report a benefit by repeating the words daily and others find that useful when they are feeling disconnected from others is a perfect time. I encourage you to find your own best use.
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
May you be filled with loving kindness
May you be well
May you be peaceful and at ease
May you be happy
May we be filled with loving kindness
May we be well
May we be peaceful and at ease
May we be happy
Oh I am filled with loving kindness
I am well
I am peaceful and at ease
I am happy
Oh you are filled with loving kindness
You are well
You are peaceful and at ease
You are happy
Oh we are filled with loving kindness
We are well
We are peaceful and at ease
We are happy
Authentic Counseling Associates of Sacramento, Ca also known as Sacramento Counseling offers therapeutic and assessment services to all ages in individual, group, couples, and family formats. We treat a diverse community population including those commonly not served and all diagnostic categories. We passionately pursue this vision by growing a practice of dedicated and talented professionals. We offer private and group counseling. We are also home to therapy training for new therapists. We serve the Sacramento region as well as the Foothill communities. Our offices are located in Gold River and Auburn, California.